Stay or go

Status Quo
I don’t know

Who are you
Making me blue

Stay or go
You don’t know

Are we through
Do we bid adieu

Today 6/12/09

So, here we are…and I really don’t think anything has change. It’s all the same, I am still terribly hurt and I can’t think straight sometimes. He is still trying to figure out stuff. I think this has been really hard on our son. He is very much like his Dad and keeps his feelings in. I told him that he needs to talk about what he is feeling. He told me a few days ago that he isn’t happy about this, he isn’t sad about this, he just doesn’t feel anything. He said he felt the same way at school, he didn’t feel anything. I think that is him really suppressing his feelings. I know when he was at school, it was the homesickness that he was suppressing. Now he is home and “all this” is going on, that again, he is really suppressing his feelings. I told him, that that he needs to talk to someone about it because it isn’t healthy to keep it all in. I told him, maybe we would not be where we are today if Dad had talked about his feelings. Dad is the same way and keeps a lot of it in. I hope he does talk to someone, me, his Dad, a friend… I want him to be okay. I know this will affect him but I want it to be with the least bit of damage as possible. I love my son so much and I feel so awful that he has to go through this.

Ramblings

I don’t know what to make of any of this anymore. I know in your heart and head you don’t want to be here anymore. You say you are trying to figure things out. That you need to find yourself but everything you are doing is to not be here. There is nothing that you are doing to try and repair us so that we can be a family again. Are you only here so I will pay the bills. You asked me to float you but how is that fair. You said you wouldn’t do that to me, leave me with everything. I now have to figure stuff out for me and our son. I have to make sure I can pay for the house. I didn’t want any of this… I never wanted any of this. You want this. You said you would never hurt me and you have devastated my life…. twice. I have never never never done anything to hurt you like this. I have tried my best to be there for you and for our son. I have done everything I can for this family. I just don’t understand what you are doing anymore. I don’t understand who you are anymore. You leave for this tour and come back a different person. You are cold and stone-face to me. You tell me to be myself, to act normally. I can’t do that, because my normal would be interacting with you and touching you and loving you. Now I am afraid to even bump into you because you might construe that as me trying to touch you. If I ask you as question like what would be normal before “what are you doing?” – you take it as intrusive and butting into your “personal business”. On top of it all, I find out that you are on “dating” websites. You are telling me that this is a means for you to make friends. Come on, who are you trying to fool? I want in my heart to believe you about things but I honestly don’t know anymore, I have caught you in too many lies. It hurts my heart to think that you are being so selfish and not concerned about me, us. I am just rambling on but that is because my head is so very confused. I hurt, I hurt everyday since I found this out. More ramblings… I am just trying to sort this stuff out in my head…..