Stay or go

Status Quo
I don’t know

Who are you
Making me blue

Stay or go
You don’t know

Are we through
Do we bid adieu

Today 6/12/09

So, here we are…and I really don’t think anything has change. It’s all the same, I am still terribly hurt and I can’t think straight sometimes. He is still trying to figure out stuff. I think this has been really hard on our son. He is very much like his Dad and keeps his feelings in. I told him that he needs to talk about what he is feeling. He told me a few days ago that he isn’t happy about this, he isn’t sad about this, he just doesn’t feel anything. He said he felt the same way at school, he didn’t feel anything. I think that is him really suppressing his feelings. I know when he was at school, it was the homesickness that he was suppressing. Now he is home and “all this” is going on, that again, he is really suppressing his feelings. I told him, that that he needs to talk to someone about it because it isn’t healthy to keep it all in. I told him, maybe we would not be where we are today if Dad had talked about his feelings. Dad is the same way and keeps a lot of it in. I hope he does talk to someone, me, his Dad, a friend… I want him to be okay. I know this will affect him but I want it to be with the least bit of damage as possible. I love my son so much and I feel so awful that he has to go through this.

Ramblings

I don’t know what to make of any of this anymore. I know in your heart and head you don’t want to be here anymore. You say you are trying to figure things out. That you need to find yourself but everything you are doing is to not be here. There is nothing that you are doing to try and repair us so that we can be a family again. Are you only here so I will pay the bills. You asked me to float you but how is that fair. You said you wouldn’t do that to me, leave me with everything. I now have to figure stuff out for me and our son. I have to make sure I can pay for the house. I didn’t want any of this… I never wanted any of this. You want this. You said you would never hurt me and you have devastated my life…. twice. I have never never never done anything to hurt you like this. I have tried my best to be there for you and for our son. I have done everything I can for this family. I just don’t understand what you are doing anymore. I don’t understand who you are anymore. You leave for this tour and come back a different person. You are cold and stone-face to me. You tell me to be myself, to act normally. I can’t do that, because my normal would be interacting with you and touching you and loving you. Now I am afraid to even bump into you because you might construe that as me trying to touch you. If I ask you as question like what would be normal before “what are you doing?” – you take it as intrusive and butting into your “personal business”. On top of it all, I find out that you are on “dating” websites. You are telling me that this is a means for you to make friends. Come on, who are you trying to fool? I want in my heart to believe you about things but I honestly don’t know anymore, I have caught you in too many lies. It hurts my heart to think that you are being so selfish and not concerned about me, us. I am just rambling on but that is because my head is so very confused. I hurt, I hurt everyday since I found this out. More ramblings… I am just trying to sort this stuff out in my head…..

Friday in Texas

Well, here I am in Texas....let me just say, very uncomforable. It's wonderful seeing my son and he makes me smile and I love him so much. But, I am unconfortable around my husband. I am not sure what to say or do because I feel (and I think is the case) anything I do just bothers and irritates him. I am doing my best to keep things on a positive note for my son because this weekend is about him. He has accomplished so much and I am so very proud of him. I am doing my best but it is not easy.

Trip to get son

Well, we will leave early tomorrow morning to pick up our son. He has no idea what is going on. He has no idea that Dad doesn't want to be a part of the family anymore. He can say it's us, the marriage, etc but in reality he will also be leaving the family. Our son has been away at school (for 8th grade) in another state. He asked to go to this school and we thought it would be good for him. It would give him self-confidence, self-discipline and better prepare him for high school. The school he is at now is 8-12. He has done so well there, I couldn't be prouder. It has also been neat to see his changes when I got to see him when he was home on breaks. You notice things more when you are away... like how much taller he got or how his voice has changed. I have missed him so much!! I would write him all the time. Not too much, like I would when he is at camp because he was in school and I didn't want him spending all his time reading letters from mom. He had to study and do homework and I didn't want to intrupt that too much. He loves the school he is in, he just doesn't like that it is so far away from home. He has been so homesick. All he wants to do is come home to his parents... and look what he is coming home to. I feel so bad for my son. I love him and will support him in anyway that I can.

Broken

Broken Hearted
Broken Dreams
The road I once traveled
Is not the road it once seemed

Too Blind to see what was happening
Too Blind to see the truth
He was the love of my life
The love from my youth

Always and Forever, he said
He was the one I adored
The one that made me feel safe
The one I felt affection for

Now my heart is shattered
It lays on the floor in pieces
It tears me up inside
To know his love for me ceases

He wants to love another
That I don't understand
What about OUR family
Our boy looks to you to teach him to be a man

You won't be there
Day in and day out
You have broken our family
That is without a doubt

Where do I go from here
All I feel is distress
Dark Clouds overhead
Darkness, darkness

My life is in a vortex
My head is spinning
It doesn't matter what I do
There will be no winning

He asked me to wait
For his feeling for her to sort
He said he might come home to me
But it would be a last resort

To wait, to wait...
What he asks of me is so unfair
My heart is completely broken
This is more then I can bare

Tears have fallen down my face
For way too many days
I can’t eat, I can’t sleep
My mind is in a haze

My heart and my head are fighting
What is the right thing to do
Do I keep him if he comes back
Or tell him we are through

Broken Dreams
Broken Hearted
I could never have imagined
That he would ever have departed

Life

Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.